Talking Pictures

Rich’s Quickie: Too much of some things and not enough of others makes for a disappointing remake.

Wolf: Universal literally owns our classic monster legacy: Dracula, The Mummy, Frankenstein, The Invisible Man, even The Creature From The Black Lagoon (all of which I hope get an updated treatment, eventually). I was pretty pleased with the casting when I first heard of this 2010 remake of THE WOLFMAN, and was even happier when it was rated R – you just can’t have a story about a guy turning into a beast who rips people to shreds and make it convincing as a PG – or even a PG-13 — movie. And obviously the filmmaking standards have improved greatly since 1941, and it shows onscreen; scenes are lush, makeup is superb, effects are great, the music is full as the moon itself.

Aw, man! However, the writing and the story have issues. In retreating this classic, Universal has lost the SOUL of the movie, the whole point of it; and this remake comes off as an excuse for gore and a wolfman fight. In fact, even the gore seems a bit silly and not gritty at all; nearly Monty Python-esque in its depiction — with severed fingers, heads and limbs taking center stage at times, in a too-obvious way.
Benicio Del Toro’s Lawrence Talbot is another obvious problem (as is most of the principal players, well-cast as they are). The 1941 Talbot played by the legendary Lon Chaney Jr., was a big bear of man, with a ready laugh, easy smile, and eye for the ladies. It was saddening to see such a man cursed in way that made him a danger to everyone around him, and his turmoil was to either do something to be cured, or to find a way kill himself.
But Del Toro is a sad and dour man from the get go, with very little charm. Additionally, kudos for some well-intentioned back story, but it in the end, it’s a bit much to swallow; as a child, Lawrence saw his mother just after she committed suicide, and kind of lost his young marbles. His father (played by Anthony Hopkins, in the same manner that he’s played his last nine characters), puts him in an insane asylum for a while to help cure him of whatever is ailing him, thus creating an estrangement between them that lasts well into adulthood. As a grown man living abroad, Lawrence returns to his ancestral home upon hearing that his brother has gone missing (in a letter from that brother’s fiancée’ Gwen Conliffe, played by Emily Blunt). He finds that his brother has been killed by a wild beast. We eventually come to find that actually his mother did not kill herself; she too was killed by a beast – his father, who was/is himself a werewolf (having previously been bitten by a “wild boy’ in an ancient cave). Since that horrible night when Sir John Talbot lost control and killed his own beloved wife, he has since had his trusted manservant Singh (played by Art Malik), lock him up every full moon for the last 25 years. Additionally, the only time this plan failed was recently… when he also accidentally killed his own son, Lawrence’s brother, Ben. He has also been very naughty, and attacked several villagers including his other son Lawrence, making him into a wolfman as well. Blunt’s Conliffe sticks around to tend to Lawrence’s wounds (which heal remarkably fast), and a bond develops between them (also remarkably – and unbelievably – fast).
Due to his rapid healing the superstitious villagers are onto this whole wolfman business, and after the first bloody full moon, capture Lawrence and back he goes into that same insane asylum wherein he’s “treated” once again in all manner of electroshock therapies and other nasty stuff. When none of this works and he escapes, he stays far away from Conliffe… until the night of the full moon, when he seeks out his own father, and learns the whole shocking truth of his family history. Strangely, even though devoted to his doomed wife and having locked himself up for 25 years, Sir John now suddenly LOVES being a wolfman, and wants to let the beast run amok (even though the few times he did he attacked and killed members of his own family, including most recently his manservant Singh). He also has a sadistic streak, beating his only living son up a bit before the full moon rises, and both become beastly. WOLFMAN FIGHT! The younger teaches the elder a lesson (rather easily, too), and runs off into the woods… and into his “love” Gwen Conliffe. Strangely, even though he barely knows her (and his father couldn’t contain himself from killing his own wife, son, and lifelong friend), Conliffe talks him down and holds him off long enough for the local villagers (led by Mr. Smith himself, Hugo Weaving), to shoot him full of silver holes – but not before, of course, LawrenceWolf wounds Weaving… SEQUEL! Ugh.
With such a confusing and unnecessary back story, Sir John’s pointless flip flops, a barely-there love story that contains a beast that shouldn’t be contained, and editing in the first third of the movie that reduces scenes to two-minute clips that don’t quite have much to do with one another (things pick up after Lawrence gets bitten), THE WOLFMAN is just plain disappointing.

Movie Grade: C

MPAA: Rated R for bloody horror violence and gore.

Director: Joe Johnston

Writers: Andrew Kevin Walker (screenplay), David Self (screenplay), and Curt Siodmak (1941 motion picture screenplay)

Rich’s Quickie: I don’t mind big, dumb fun; but this is a bit much…

With: Looking like Mr. Clean on steroids, John Travolta is fun to watch in this buddy-cop shoot ‘em up. There’s plenty of action and twists and turns to keep you watching, but…

Without: …there’s plenty that bugs, too. For one thing, these guys REALLY love their F-bombs – and guns. The body count in this is as high as most things you’ve seen (and of course, the bad guys have REALLY lousy aim, with our heroes barely sustaining a flesh wound from all of it). The thing that seriously buries this though is Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ various musings about Love, particularly his speech near the end just before he shoots his beloved in the head. He also gets over that pretty darn quickly, too, but I didn’t; it was silly and the tone completely out of place with the rest of the movie.

Movie Grade: C+

MPAA: Rated R for strong bloody violence throughout, drug content, pervasive language and brief sexuality.
Director: Pierre Morel
Writers: Adi Hasak (screenplay) and Luc Besson (story)

Rich’s Quickie: Oh, I so WISH someone had Dear John’d this movie instead of green lighting it.

Dearest: There’s so very little redeeming about this movie, except for the great Richard Jenkins playing a shy but high-functioning, possibly autistic father to Channing Tatum’s mostly shirtless John Tyree. Jenkins deserves better.

Porta Potty? This screenplay (by Jamie Linden, of “We Are Marshall” fame), based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks (of “The Notebook” – and he’s not gonna let you forget it, either!), brings together the worst aspects of everyone concerned…

- Tatum’s Tyree is a bit of dopey hothead with an attitude; his saving grace being his dad, whom he tends to get mad at.
- Amanda Seyfried’s Savannah Curtis says she has plenty of flaws, and does her best to show them; she actually marries someone (while in love with someone else), because at least THIS guy is so sickly (and with a disabled kid to boot), that at least she feels NEEDED. She also stands for one too many silly tantrums from Tyree to have much self-respect. What YEAR is this? Is any woman in romance movies a member of N.O.W?
- Henry Thomas’ Tim actually marries Savannah so that when he dies his autistic son will have someone to care for him. Nice. Luckily, Savannah’s the needy sort who gets off on such things, and Tim conveniently DIES early enough for Savannah and John to finally get together while they’re still relatively young.

This also may be first movie to seriously exploit 9-11 for dramatic effect. Apart from the fact that we now know we invaded the wrong country that had nothing to do with the September 11th attacks, nor did they have weapons of mass destruction, nor were we greeted as liberators, nor has the oil paid for the war, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah… STILL the banner of false patriotism is flown to keep our young lovers apart, even when John doesn’t really WANT to re-up. Add to all this some really forced fights between our young lovers, and you have a “John” that seriously belongs in the toilet.

Movie Grade: D+

MPAA: Rated PG-13 for some sensuality and violence.

Director: Lasse Hallström

Writers: Jamie Linden (screenplay), and Nicholas Sparks (novel)

Rich’s Quickie: I’m gonna take crap for this, but I thought it was fairly cute; and not just because they showed Kristen Bell jogging away from the camera. A lot. It certainly helped, though.

When? The support cast also helped (although what the HELL was Angelica Huston doing in this movie?), with Will Arnett, Jon Heder, Bobby Moynihan and Danny DeVito providing some legitimate relief.
But it’s Josh Duhamel who saves this flick. He is just charming enough, just self-deprecating enough, and even handles slapstick stuff well enough (coming off as endearing rather than silly), that he’s the kind of guy girls want, and that guys want as their wingman.

Why? But if you’re going to have Efren Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite’s “Pedro”) show up opposite Heder, why not have Arnett play the MAGICIAN? And why oh WHY must every successful single woman seem incomplete without a guy? Not even without just DATING a guy, but without actually MARRYING a guy? What year is this? Additionally, a lightning strike device seems out of place, except as fodder for a one-liner (admittedly well-delivered by Duhamel). And only a movie that crawls inside you more should have a Bollywood-style credit roll; otherwise, it just overstays its welcome. But still – Rome is funnier than it had a right to be.

Movie Grade: C+

MPAA: Rated PG-13 for some suggestive content, and for Kristen Bell jogging away from the camera.

Director: Mark Steven Johnson

Writers: David Diamond (written by) & David Weissman (written by)

Rich’s Quickie: Not what you might expect; and that may not be a good thing… but it might!

Edginess: Mel Gibson is back and pissed off (and he hasn’t even been drinking), in this father-revenge flick. I expected a sort of Payback meets Taken (and I got it), but I didn’t know there’d be a dash of Silkwood.
And that was a good thing; at least at first. Mel actually is just a detective in way over his head after the murder of his own daughter. And even though he gets the bad guys in the end, it all actually gets the best of him, too, and THAT was also different for such an action-thriller hero. Mel’s in good form, and has some touching scenes with his daughter (played by Bojana Novakovic, both pre- and post-mortem which may hit some as cheesy), and there are some genuine shocks in this thriller to keep you thrilled.

Darkness: But that (forgive the reference), conspiracy theory delivers just as many yuks as it does jolts, and the deeper we get the less likely much of it seems. And unfortunately, it falls to Ray Winstone to deliver some throwaway line about “the darkness” that will probably make your eyes roll. But still, a better flick than I thought it was going to be, although it may not be quite the legacy Troy Kenned-Martin envisioned for his television series.

Movie Grade: C+

MPAA: Rated R for strong bloody violence and language.

Director: Martin Campbell

Writers: William Monahan (screenplay) and Andrew Bovell (screenplay), and Troy Kennedy-Martin (television series) (as Troy Kennedy Martin)

Rich’s Quickie: If you liked The Blind Side, they’re counting on you to like this.

Extra: It’s tough to dislike a film based on the true story about a father going to great lengths to find a cure for the genetic disorder affecting two of his children. The kids are dang cute, the unknown supporting cast will jerk a tear or two out of you, Keri Russell is great (but underused), and there’s a somewhat happy ending. So what’s the problem?

Ordinary: Basically, the direction and the casting/acting are problems. This has the feel of a made-for-tv movie, right down to the cloddy direction. For example, just in case you missed that his young daughter is 8 and kids with Pompeii Syndrome don’t live past 9, where going to slam home her age with a birthday party, and then with a whole bunch of reminders that SHE’S EIGHT. And when you need to know that Brendan Fraser’s John Crowley has been trying to get a hold of cranky Dr. Robert Stonehill (played by Harrison Ford), we’re just going to WRITE IT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND SHOW IT TO YOU. Did you get that? Don’t worry; we’ll show it again. We’ll even blow the ending with the bit about Ford getting a new truck with our clumsy directional choices.
But that’s not all. Fraser is simply miscast. He’s the fun, action-hero guy, not this serious dramatic guy, and it shows when he has to emote. Then again, seasoned actor Ford is not much better. When he needs to be agitated, he simply RAISES HIS VOICE in a manner we’ve seen him do before with other characters. He’s supposed to be this self-centered, craggy genius; instead, he comes across as Harrison Ford yelling now and again.
But again, it’s an uplifting true story with a happy ending. It just shouldn’t been better casted, directed, and shown on Lifetime.

Movie Grade: C-

MPAA: Rated PG for thematic material, language and a mild suggestive moment.

Director: Tom Vaughan

Writers: Robert Nelson Jacobs (written by), Geeta Anand (book)

I love me some Mila...

Rich’s Quickie: Much like The Invention of Lying, this movie may have you drawing some lines in the sand, depending on how religious you are.

The New Eli Version: Yet another tale of post-apocalyptic woe, told — and looking – much better in other movies, and either borrowing heavily from them or… well, what ELSE do you expect the world to be like after WWIII, anyway? It’s probably going to suck, that much I can tell you; with strength in numbers and muscle overpowering civility, an environment on the brink, and cannibalism an ever-present concern.
Into such a world confidently strides Eli (Denzel Washington), carrying possibly the last Bible on the planet from one dangerous coast of the remains of the USA to the other, hopefully to place where it can reside safely. Not a bad idea for a movie, except there are nasties all along his journey, not the least of which is Carnegie (Gary Oldman on autopilot), who finds out Eli has a Bible from Solaris (a too-ravishing Mila Kunis for living in such a harsh world), and wishes to possess it to use its words to lead – and possibly re-enslave – what’s left of mankind.
I won’t give any spoilers away in this first section, as is my S.O.P. — that stuff is below – but I actually was enjoying this movie until the I.P.M.’s (Improbabilities Per Minute), while not high, were just too bothersome to ignore, even with – and maybe because of – the films’ final reveal.
For instance, in Carnegie’s “town”, Eli is locked in a room with a guard outside, happily reading from his Bible, which he does everyday; but when they go to retrieve him the following morning, he’s not only not in there anymore… he’s out and about across the street with all of his gear – but no one saw him get out and there’s no real explanation about how he got out unseen – at least until the Big Reveal at the end, which is unsatisfactory.
Eli also locks Solaris (an unfortunately unconvincing Kunis), in a secret enclosure to protect her and keep her from following him… but in her next scene she’s walking down the road trying to follow him, anyway. Now how did SHE get out? Surely not by simply getting out – she’s still learning how to survive the harsh world beyond of the borders her comparatively safe small “town” run by Carnegie (who also happens to have a thing for her blind mother Claudia, played by Flashdances’ Jennifer Beals, even though he tends to beat her up now and again). And the guard that Eli tied up outside the enclosure would not have let her out either, since he would most likely kill her on the spot for leading Eli to the secret enclosure in the fist place. Later, Solaris causes a car she’s in to overturn, and both guys driving up front are killed – but not only is she alive, she’s downright FINE – and again, frankly looking mighty fine too; far too pretty still, in such a post-apocalyptic world. Eli uses his crossbow to kill a few would-be rapists who accost Solaris… and leaves the bolts in them. What – does he have an endless supply of bolts in his bag? Is this the loaves and the fishes of crossbow bolts, or is there a surviving Ye Olde Archery Shoppe right around the corner?
There are just too many of these silly holes for me to let go by, especially since this is not some incoherent art-house piece about gay cowboys eating pudding with little or no sequential considerations. This is a gritty, action driven plot with HOLES in it, and it bugs me.

The New Mondegreen Version: And now for The Big Reveal. If you haven’t seen it yet then read no further.
Eli may have the last Bible in existence since many feel that religion fueled this last Great War; so the survivors destroyed every Bible they could find (QUITE a hefty job considering those damn Gideons).
Now for a non-religious guy like me, I pretty much go along with that; religion fuels most of the garbage happening out there right now, so that plot point makes me just shrug my shoulders and say “Figures”. However, because of my y irreligiousness the next part raked me a bit; the Bible needs to survive. Why? It probably DID and will fuel the next war, and it’s a collection of fables as far as I’m concerned, with about as much relevance to my life as Jack and the friggin’ Beanstalk
But fine; that’s the point of this movie and so I’ll go with it.
Continuously, we come to find out that Eli had a vision to commence this particular mission, and he’s protected. That’s why he can kick the living bejeezzus out of anyone in his path, and how bullets fired at point blank range miss him (and, ostensibly, how he can get out of locked rooms and out of building and across streets without anyone seeing him). Although there are even problems with THAT – since he is spotted leaving town, and set upon by Carnegies’ thugs. Why be seen THEN? I mean if he’s protected, he’s protected, right? But as we will see, all of this may simply be a reflection of the Nature of God.
Carnegie eventually catches up with Eli and Solaris, and after threatening Solaris with her life, Eli turns the locked-and-bound Bible over to Carnegie… who promptly shoots him in the lower gut (I just LOVE it that no one seems to just shoot people in the head anymore when they want to kill someone, especially when it’s the hero). I guess God no longer was protecting Eli since he gave The Last Bible Standing away to such a foul person. To placate her mother, Carnegie takes Solaris back to town with his new book and leaves Eli to die in the desert.
On the way back Solaris suddenly grows a pair and takes out basically everybody BUT Carnegie in the aforementioned unlikely overturning car scenario. Where she suddenly picked up such skill si sbeyond me. She gets back to Eli to find him walking miles down the road, his guts barely intact, still intent on delivering a non-existent book to its final destination (which ends up being a fortified Alcatraz). He survives a VERY long time for a guy shot in the gut with no medical attention, even rowing a boat at one point to get to Alcatraz. Meanwhile, Carnegie gets his Bible back to town and gets it opened to find that it’s in Braille. Eli is blind, and Claudia can’t – or won’t – read Braille anymore for her oppressive boyfriend.
We see Solaris safely napping behind the walls of Alcatraz while Eli recites the Bible from memory – he did read it every day for the last 30 years – to Malcolm McDowell in a bad wig, who is taking down every word. After reciting the entire Bible, Eli dies. Lombardi (McDowell) ends up printing it and puts it on the shelf of a very safe library. Solaris, alluvasudden badass, grabs Eli’s old garb and weapons to make her own pilgrimage back home to the other coast, possibly to rescue her mother or maybe even bring another printed Bible back to those who may so desperately need it (although her own mission is left pretty vague). I hope she, too, is protected; because there was no montage of training sequences to show that she can handle herself any better than she did when nearly raped if not for Eli’s timely intervention.
And herein lays whole mess of problems.
I didn’t buy for one second buy that Eli was blind; in fact it never occurred to me. I just assumed he read Braille – maybe he was a teacher of the blind before the Big Boom. But apparently, THAT was what we were supposed to think; that he was blind, and not only protected by God, but led by him as well (that, and possibly an overdeveloped sense of hearing). But he tends to look at people in the eye, notices when people’s hand shake, and when he removes his shades, his eyes look totally normal… until the end, at Alcatraz, when they appear clearly damaged, possibly in The Big Flash. Quite the ripoff, since his eyes appeared fine the entire movie.
I think it would have been better to just have him be a teacher of the blind who knows how ot read Braille (much like many teachers of deaf student speak Sign language even though they are hearing), rather than try to have us buy that he did all of THAT and was blind , too. Him being protected was stretch enough.
Now if Eli had the Bible memorized anyway, why bother protecting it so? Why bother even letting it be known it exists? He could very easily slip by everyone, without anyone having to know what knowledge he possesses. If God truly did let him get shot because he gave the Bible away, doesn’t God know that Eli has it memorized? If God knew and let him get shot anyway – why? Eli was pretty well protected up until then; what changed? Obviously, even after letting him get shot, God kept him alive long enough to reach Alcatraz and recite the whole Bible… so is the guy protected or isn’t he? And since Eli completed his task – albeit in an unusual way – why does God let him die? Probably for the same reason he wouldn’t let Moses into the Promised Land even after Moses successfully led His People through the desert for 40 years – due to His nature. We’ve always wondered about the Nature of God and now we know; with apologies to Bill Maher for ripping him off, but all of these inconsistencies are due to The Nature of God – apparently, he’s a prick.
But even the ending might get you thinking. Yes, the Bible is finally back in print and protected in the first library after WWIII; but firstly it’s the King James Bible – not exactly the most accurate of versions, if there even IS such a thing. But it is placed on a shelf right between the Hebrew Torah and the Muslim Quran. This kind of put The Bible in perspective, in a way; it’s just another book, much like the rest, with probably as much going for or against it as any other religious tome.
So depending on what you see in this one (Hah!! I said “see”! Get it!? Hah!!), you’ll come down on either side of a philosophical/religious fence. Even with all of its problems what I do like about The Book of Eli is how it may get you chatting.

Movie Grade: B-
MPAA: Rated R for some brutal violence and language.
Directors: Albert Hughes & Allen Hughes
Writers: Gary Whitta

Rich’s Quickie: I love me some Terry Gilliam. Not this, mind you; but some other stuff from Terry Gilliam.

Yes, I have a feeling I’m supposed to love this latest offering from offbeat ex-Python director Terry Gilliam. I know his stuff takes a bit of getting used to. I know it’s Heath Ledger’s last movie, and that it’s received 5 nominations for various reasons. I know the visuals are spectacular, and that it’s all some allegory or metaphor or SOMETHING for something else, and there’s probably a terribly deep and hidden meaning that I, as a populist broadcast critic, am just missing due to my being an imbecile.

Knowing all of that, I guess I could comb the internets and come up with something that makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about. But that’s not my job.

My job is to tell you what I think – not what I think I’m supposed to say. And unfortunately I thought this movie – although wonderful to look at, with star power and a great director – was unfocused, not really about a whole lot of anything, with far too many unanswered questions and out-of-left field developments to be satisfying. I’m sure people will check it out; it is Heath Ledger’s last movie after all, and a sausage-fest at that – with the likes of Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell taking his place at times (although I was too busy staring at the lovely Lily Cole to notice them), but I found myself wondering frankly, why bother? There isn’t much there, there.

Movie Grade: D+
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for violent images, some sensuality, language and smoking.
Director: Terry Gilliam
WriterR(s): Terry Gilliam and Charles McKeown