Talking Pictures

Rich Bonaduce reviews “The Book of Eli”

I love me some Mila...

Rich’s Quickie: Much like The Invention of Lying, this movie may have you drawing some lines in the sand, depending on how religious you are.

The New Eli Version: Yet another tale of post-apocalyptic woe, told — and looking – much better in other movies, and either borrowing heavily from them or… well, what ELSE do you expect the world to be like after WWIII, anyway? It’s probably going to suck, that much I can tell you; with strength in numbers and muscle overpowering civility, an environment on the brink, and cannibalism an ever-present concern.
Into such a world confidently strides Eli (Denzel Washington), carrying possibly the last Bible on the planet from one dangerous coast of the remains of the USA to the other, hopefully to place where it can reside safely. Not a bad idea for a movie, except there are nasties all along his journey, not the least of which is Carnegie (Gary Oldman on autopilot), who finds out Eli has a Bible from Solaris (a too-ravishing Mila Kunis for living in such a harsh world), and wishes to possess it to use its words to lead – and possibly re-enslave – what’s left of mankind.
I won’t give any spoilers away in this first section, as is my S.O.P. — that stuff is below – but I actually was enjoying this movie until the I.P.M.’s (Improbabilities Per Minute), while not high, were just too bothersome to ignore, even with – and maybe because of – the films’ final reveal.
For instance, in Carnegie’s “town”, Eli is locked in a room with a guard outside, happily reading from his Bible, which he does everyday; but when they go to retrieve him the following morning, he’s not only not in there anymore… he’s out and about across the street with all of his gear – but no one saw him get out and there’s no real explanation about how he got out unseen – at least until the Big Reveal at the end, which is unsatisfactory.
Eli also locks Solaris (an unfortunately unconvincing Kunis), in a secret enclosure to protect her and keep her from following him… but in her next scene she’s walking down the road trying to follow him, anyway. Now how did SHE get out? Surely not by simply getting out – she’s still learning how to survive the harsh world beyond of the borders her comparatively safe small “town” run by Carnegie (who also happens to have a thing for her blind mother Claudia, played by Flashdances’ Jennifer Beals, even though he tends to beat her up now and again). And the guard that Eli tied up outside the enclosure would not have let her out either, since he would most likely kill her on the spot for leading Eli to the secret enclosure in the fist place. Later, Solaris causes a car she’s in to overturn, and both guys driving up front are killed – but not only is she alive, she’s downright FINE – and again, frankly looking mighty fine too; far too pretty still, in such a post-apocalyptic world. Eli uses his crossbow to kill a few would-be rapists who accost Solaris… and leaves the bolts in them. What – does he have an endless supply of bolts in his bag? Is this the loaves and the fishes of crossbow bolts, or is there a surviving Ye Olde Archery Shoppe right around the corner?
There are just too many of these silly holes for me to let go by, especially since this is not some incoherent art-house piece about gay cowboys eating pudding with little or no sequential considerations. This is a gritty, action driven plot with HOLES in it, and it bugs me.

The New Mondegreen Version: And now for The Big Reveal. If you haven’t seen it yet then read no further.
Eli may have the last Bible in existence since many feel that religion fueled this last Great War; so the survivors destroyed every Bible they could find (QUITE a hefty job considering those damn Gideons).
Now for a non-religious guy like me, I pretty much go along with that; religion fuels most of the garbage happening out there right now, so that plot point makes me just shrug my shoulders and say “Figures”. However, because of my y irreligiousness the next part raked me a bit; the Bible needs to survive. Why? It probably DID and will fuel the next war, and it’s a collection of fables as far as I’m concerned, with about as much relevance to my life as Jack and the friggin’ Beanstalk
But fine; that’s the point of this movie and so I’ll go with it.
Continuously, we come to find out that Eli had a vision to commence this particular mission, and he’s protected. That’s why he can kick the living bejeezzus out of anyone in his path, and how bullets fired at point blank range miss him (and, ostensibly, how he can get out of locked rooms and out of building and across streets without anyone seeing him). Although there are even problems with THAT – since he is spotted leaving town, and set upon by Carnegies’ thugs. Why be seen THEN? I mean if he’s protected, he’s protected, right? But as we will see, all of this may simply be a reflection of the Nature of God.
Carnegie eventually catches up with Eli and Solaris, and after threatening Solaris with her life, Eli turns the locked-and-bound Bible over to Carnegie… who promptly shoots him in the lower gut (I just LOVE it that no one seems to just shoot people in the head anymore when they want to kill someone, especially when it’s the hero). I guess God no longer was protecting Eli since he gave The Last Bible Standing away to such a foul person. To placate her mother, Carnegie takes Solaris back to town with his new book and leaves Eli to die in the desert.
On the way back Solaris suddenly grows a pair and takes out basically everybody BUT Carnegie in the aforementioned unlikely overturning car scenario. Where she suddenly picked up such skill si sbeyond me. She gets back to Eli to find him walking miles down the road, his guts barely intact, still intent on delivering a non-existent book to its final destination (which ends up being a fortified Alcatraz). He survives a VERY long time for a guy shot in the gut with no medical attention, even rowing a boat at one point to get to Alcatraz. Meanwhile, Carnegie gets his Bible back to town and gets it opened to find that it’s in Braille. Eli is blind, and Claudia can’t – or won’t – read Braille anymore for her oppressive boyfriend.
We see Solaris safely napping behind the walls of Alcatraz while Eli recites the Bible from memory – he did read it every day for the last 30 years – to Malcolm McDowell in a bad wig, who is taking down every word. After reciting the entire Bible, Eli dies. Lombardi (McDowell) ends up printing it and puts it on the shelf of a very safe library. Solaris, alluvasudden badass, grabs Eli’s old garb and weapons to make her own pilgrimage back home to the other coast, possibly to rescue her mother or maybe even bring another printed Bible back to those who may so desperately need it (although her own mission is left pretty vague). I hope she, too, is protected; because there was no montage of training sequences to show that she can handle herself any better than she did when nearly raped if not for Eli’s timely intervention.
And herein lays whole mess of problems.
I didn’t buy for one second buy that Eli was blind; in fact it never occurred to me. I just assumed he read Braille – maybe he was a teacher of the blind before the Big Boom. But apparently, THAT was what we were supposed to think; that he was blind, and not only protected by God, but led by him as well (that, and possibly an overdeveloped sense of hearing). But he tends to look at people in the eye, notices when people’s hand shake, and when he removes his shades, his eyes look totally normal… until the end, at Alcatraz, when they appear clearly damaged, possibly in The Big Flash. Quite the ripoff, since his eyes appeared fine the entire movie.
I think it would have been better to just have him be a teacher of the blind who knows how ot read Braille (much like many teachers of deaf student speak Sign language even though they are hearing), rather than try to have us buy that he did all of THAT and was blind , too. Him being protected was stretch enough.
Now if Eli had the Bible memorized anyway, why bother protecting it so? Why bother even letting it be known it exists? He could very easily slip by everyone, without anyone having to know what knowledge he possesses. If God truly did let him get shot because he gave the Bible away, doesn’t God know that Eli has it memorized? If God knew and let him get shot anyway – why? Eli was pretty well protected up until then; what changed? Obviously, even after letting him get shot, God kept him alive long enough to reach Alcatraz and recite the whole Bible… so is the guy protected or isn’t he? And since Eli completed his task – albeit in an unusual way – why does God let him die? Probably for the same reason he wouldn’t let Moses into the Promised Land even after Moses successfully led His People through the desert for 40 years – due to His nature. We’ve always wondered about the Nature of God and now we know; with apologies to Bill Maher for ripping him off, but all of these inconsistencies are due to The Nature of God – apparently, he’s a prick.
But even the ending might get you thinking. Yes, the Bible is finally back in print and protected in the first library after WWIII; but firstly it’s the King James Bible – not exactly the most accurate of versions, if there even IS such a thing. But it is placed on a shelf right between the Hebrew Torah and the Muslim Quran. This kind of put The Bible in perspective, in a way; it’s just another book, much like the rest, with probably as much going for or against it as any other religious tome.
So depending on what you see in this one (Hah!! I said “see”! Get it!? Hah!!), you’ll come down on either side of a philosophical/religious fence. Even with all of its problems what I do like about The Book of Eli is how it may get you chatting.

Movie Grade: B-
MPAA: Rated R for some brutal violence and language.
Directors: Albert Hughes & Allen Hughes
Writers: Gary Whitta

Tags: Rich Bonaduce reviews, the book of eli
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